You see, I was convinced by 40 I would have a family. The 2.5 kids that were super cute, the white picket fence, a job I jumped out of bed for each morning. A 'complete' life. I planned it that way when I was little. The "cookie cutter" life that sounds so perfect, and exactly what I saw my parents having.
But, today, I sit childless. An aunt to two amazingly gorgeous and brilliant nieces. A "aunt" to so many of my friends kids, children of exception talents, and amazing senses of humor. And the truth is, I'm not sad I don't have children of my own. Is it completely not possible in the future, not entirely, but its also not something that I will be super sad about if it doesn't occur. I used to be concerned that that very thought made me seem selfish, self centered. Wow, Jess, I thought, you really can't give enough of yourself to bring another human into the world. But I realized that wasn't the answer as to why kids were not in my future. It was more something that would materialize if it was "meant" to happen for me.
And the white picket fence? Oddly enough our house doesn't have a fenced in back yard, or side yard. We sit next to an open space and adjacent to the high school in my small town. For a kid who grew up in the big city of Denver, I needed to adjust to living in a small town. I remember the first time my boyfriend (now husband) drove me to see our new house, never before even hearing of the town we were to live (and I went to school 20 minutes north of here!). I was afraid I'd have a hard time adjusting to very small town life. Yet going into restaurants around here, and having them know me by name, running into friends from the gym at the grocery stores, having a support system close by, has made life in our small town amazing. I now would struggle to live in a "big city". Ironic.
And the jump out of bed job? Well, I've been at the same place of employment for almost 10 years. And while I have had my share of setbacks, frustrations and chaos at times there, I realize it has been a blessing to achieve some of the successes I have there. That I was blessed with amazing people as bosses, and co workers over the years from around the globe, who have challenged my work style, and pushed me to want to succeed, and influenced my drive to excel. I've also gained so much from the good and the bad, to realize that even with as adverse to change as I normally am, I've learned to manage and rise from it, quite well.
So, am I at all saddened by not achieving all these "child-dreamt" goals from when I was a kid, by the time I hit the big 40. Not at all. My life has been blessed the last 40 years. I have an amazing family who love me, support me, surprise me and celebrate who I am. I have an amazing husband, who despite us being complete opposites, has learned to understand his aloof wife who lives so much of her life in the gray area of a black and white world he lives in (he's an engineer so the world is quite black and white to him), and loves me even if sometimes he doesn't understand me.
Lastly, I have amazing people who I call friends. People like my friend Deb, who wished me a happy birthday via HER blog today. A person I didn't know less than 5 years ago, but who has made such an impact on my life because she "gets" me. And so many countless others from my CrossFit gym who accept me when I am at my "weakest", challenge me to be great, and appreciate the person I am, every day.
So as this pirate looks at 40, and reflects back on who I thought I would be vs. who I have become now, I'm proud of who I see when I look in the mirror. Do I have things I want to fix and change? Do I have challenges I want to rise to? Of course I do. But I have learned at 40, its ok to be comfortable with who you are, and allow yourself to be happy.
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